There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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