That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
