What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
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