im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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