Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize