So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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