it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
How does one acquire holy water?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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