I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
