Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Randomize
