I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize