Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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