Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
this will be a night to untag.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
