How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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