i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
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