i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
