I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
