and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
