Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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