This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize