Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

Sorry kkeennzziiee hasn't picked any favorites yet.

ADVERTISEMENT

(860): View more from Connecticut

Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal

Fav 19 6461 2188
share tweet
(562): View more from California

the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

Fav 95 21328 2346
share tweet

ADVERTISEMENT

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.

Fav 5 1157 1902
share tweet
(760): View more from California

She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.

Fav 22 1015 3566
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.

Fav 8 3951 923
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?

Fav 13 879 1249
share tweet

ADVERTISEMENT

(785): View more from Kansas

Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.

Fav 6 1137 467
share tweet

ADVERTISEMENT

(501): View more from Arkansas

I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.

Fav 1 295 222
share tweet

ADVERTISEMENT

(224): View more from Illinois

Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.

Fav 0 53 15
share tweet

ADVERTISEMENT