After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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