and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
