I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
