Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
