well I can't set my house on fire every night
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Randomize
