My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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