I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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