I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
