i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize