wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I'd cum for enchiladas.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
