So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
