Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
