You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize