he looks like a really good dad on facebook
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
