Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
