She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
