So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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