Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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