Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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