I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
