Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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