I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
