The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize