I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
