oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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