I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
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