Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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