dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
this hospital has no fireball
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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