I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
