the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
