Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
