My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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