The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
