we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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