I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
