Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
