I haven't been this sober since birth.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
