I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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