I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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