So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
