I cockslap morals
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
