the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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