Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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