his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
i drank out of a bidet.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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