What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
