My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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