I just threw up on my dentist
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
