Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
