So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
