Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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